Early Beliefs
I have known who I am and what I believe in from a very young age. By age four, I knew that I wanted to be an artist forever. By age five, I found out where meat came from and could no longer eat it (despite bacon being my most favorite food before learning the truth). I fought for five years to be a vegetarian — often being forced to sit at the dinner table alone until bedtime because I refused to eat the requisite bite of meat my parents demanded. By age six, I told my parents I could not be a Catholic and refused to attend CCD and Catholic school; I am the only person in my family that was not confirmed. I made this choice when I learned that girls/women were not permitted to hold leadership positions in the church. It seemed unfair to me and I refused to participate in an organization that did not deem me equal to the booger-picking boys at school. But, this world has a way of making you feel that you are not enough, that you must change and squeeze yourself into the boxes that society deems appropriate.
Married with Children
By the time I was married with three kids to a man that could barely tolerate me, who told me constantly that it was “selfish to be an artist and a mother,” I found myself in a bleak, dark, pit of despair questioning who I was and what truly mattered. I was still a vegetarian and was pretty much Buddhist, but I had no idea how to go about recapturing the joy and magic I felt as a child. I was so bogged down by the endless mothering, cleaning, and emotional/mental/financial (and occasional physical) abuse I was contending with on the daily that I shut down. It seemed that all of the energy I possessed went to taking care of my kids. I thrust myself into teaching them manners, morals, how to read, how to access their creativity and my volunteer work; all the while being belittled by a man that referred to parenting as “babysitting” and not something he had time for due to his very, very important job. I don’t regret seeing all of their firsts and devoting over a decade of my life to their upbringing, but if I could go back in time I would definitely reserve some of that energy for my own needs so that I wouldn’t have needed to reclaim my identity at all — so that it was never even lost. Since we do not have the option of time travel just yet, I must remain grateful for the steps I took to reclaim myself. It was hard. It took such a long time.
A Self-Love Journey
My self-proclaimed “Identity Reclamation Project” started by seeking therapy for my depression, having EMDR for my trauma, returning to my art practice, reigning in my sugar addiction, becoming a Reiki Master, meditating, chanting, using rituals, yoga, going back to school (in secret) to get the degree that both my father and my husband said I was not allowed to get (Art), leaving my now ex-husband (there will be several blog posts about leaving narcissistic abusers so that you do not make the same mistakes I did during that time — my suffering will not be for nothing), going back to school for my MFA, and finding true love. That’s right. I have found TRUE LOVE with the most loving, kind, honorable man. I have a life and love that is nearly unrecognizable to the life I was living when I embarked upon the Identity Reclamation Project. I did it using a variety of tools and methods that I will share. My deepest hope is to help others reclaim their identity much faster, easier, and with less self doubt. Your heart truly knows the way. I can be your guide.